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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28620849">Light at the End.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebuell33/pseuds/Bluebuell33'>Bluebuell33</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sherlock (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Boys In Love, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Johnlock - Freeform, Just a touch not the main focus, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, a bit sad in the beginning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:54:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28620849</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebuell33/pseuds/Bluebuell33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On this quiet night in the darkened rooms of 221B, one thinks about slowly sliding the needle into his vein, looking for the soothing rush of a quiet mind. The other sits on the edge of his bed just above the first with his firearm in hand. The smooth, cold metal is a comfort to the darkness in his mind. </p>
<p>Each one wants to escape, to leave everything behind. Neither realizes that the other wishes the same. </p>
<p>Friends, colleagues, flatmates. Yet so alone, still. Can that change in one night?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sherlock Holmes/John Watson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Light at the End.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first story of the new year. This is one I started a while ago and thought it would end up much darker then it decided to be. I hope you enjoy this short story. I would like to thank the lovely @cherieftpotter for beta reading this story for me. &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>Two people filled with a darkness. Each so sure there is no light at the end of the tunnel. One searches for the light in a syringe, the other with his firearm. </p>
<p>Being so lost and alone, neither believes the other feels the same for them. </p>
<p>On this quiet night in the darkened rooms of 221B, one thinks about slowly sliding the needle into his vein, looking for the soothing rush of a quiet mind. The other sits on the edge of his bed just above the first with his firearm in hand. The smooth, cold metal is a comfort to the darkness in his mind. </p>
<p>Each one wants to escape, to leave everything behind. Neither realises that the other wishes the same. </p>
<p>Friends, colleagues, flatmates. Yet so alone, still.<em> Can that change in one night? </em></p>
<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>Sherlock could only hope that John had gone to bed for the evening. It had only been two months since John moved back in after Mary left and he didn’t need to see what Sherlock had become during his time away. The darkness had been lingering on the edge of Sherlock’s mind all day. Working at the lab hadn’t changed it. He had procured the drug on his way home from St. Barts. He now sat on the floor of his room, leaning against his bed. The needle in hand, he was ready to disappear, to forget for a while. </p>
<p>There were sounds of John moving around his room above Sherlock’s head. He leaned his head back slightly on the side of the bed to stare at the ceiling. He could still feel the wounds on his back and across his shoulders that were slowly becoming scars. The nightmares he had at night were why this syringe was in his hand right now. </p>
<p>He wanted freedom from the darkness that controlled his sleeping hours. He rarely slept normally but now he feared closing his eyes. He just wanted to go back to before everything. Before the jump. Before he lost his best friend. But most of all before he fell into unrequited love with his best friend… </p>
<p>There was no way to stop the hurt that his heart felt in this moment. He slowly lifted the syringe, turning it in his hand. It caught the light from the lamp on his nightstand. He should have relocated from the floor to the bed but he was too tired to truly move. Again he could hear John shifting about above him. </p>
<p>He wished he could just put the needle down, walk up the stairs and lay down with John, so he wasn’t alone anymore. But their relationship had not been the same since John moved back to Baker Street. He had hoped things would be better with John here but if anything it was worse. He was having a hard time even being in the flat around John. </p>
<p>He reached for the tie and held it against his side, securing it tightly just above his elbow. Once done he pumped his hand to bring his vein to the surface. This is the point, he either plunges in the needle or unties and walks away… </p>
<p>“Sherlock?” There was a knock on his door. <em> When did John get downstairs? </em></p>
<p>He paused, looking down at the tie on his arm and the needle in his hand. <em> Does he pretend he is sleeping or does he answer John? </em>He waits with bated breath… </p>
<p>“Sherlock?” </p>
<p>He hung his head before untying and sliding everything under the bed. “Yes, John?” He stood to open the door.   </p>
<p>“Can I-” John stopped mid-sentence as Sherlock opened the door. “What were you doing?” </p>
<p>“I was-” Sherlock looked down at his rolled sleeve. He had forgotten to pull it down. </p>
<p>John pushed open the door. Taking hold of his arm, he turned it to check both sides. “Are you using again?” His voice is angry, yet sad. </p>
<p>Sherlock knew John could see the track marks on his arm. Old and new alike. He pulled his arm back, rolling his sleeve down. “Did you need something?” he asked pointedly. </p>
<p>John looked up. “I- uhm-”</p>
<p>"Spit it out," Sherlock sneered, pushing past John, making his way into the kitchen and starting the kettle. </p>
<p>"Sherlock, can I ask why?" John followed behind him.</p>
<p>"Because I feel like a cuppa," Sherlock shot back. </p>
<p>"What? No, not that," John stuttered. "I mean your arm. Why?" </p>
<p>Sherlock stopped, his hands on the counter as he hung his head. "Why not?" His fingers gripped the counter tightly. He had nothing to live for anymore. The darkness was closing in on him. He had John but he really didn't. It was a daily struggle to keep up appearances and he was no longer the man he used to be. He had demons and a darkness that would fell a normal man. All he wanted was to reach out and hold the man standing behind him. But just because John had moved back in didn't mean he wanted Sherlock like that. </p>
<p>"Sherlock?" John pushed, moving closer. </p>
<p>"What, John! What would you like me to say?" Sherlock yelled, spinning to face the man. "That I was planning to use, that I have been using during the time I was gone?! That it has been the only way to keep the demons at bay over the past eighteen months?!" Sherlock felt his strength leave his body. He was crumbling in front of the one person he had tried to be strong for. </p>
<p>John stood in front of him not speaking. There was something in his eyes that Sherlock couldn't read. John moved to turn the kettle off before he spoke. "Sometimes I hold my gun in my hand and think about how no one would miss me if I just finished what the sniper started." </p>
<p>Sherlock let out a choked sob at the thought. </p>
<p>"I think about how quickly it will be over. The pain, the darkness. Everything. Then I think of you downstairs and how you came back and how could I leave you after all of that?"</p>
<p>Sherlock couldn't believe what he was hearing. His back was still to John as he listened to John fix two cups of tea. </p>
<p>"I think about how it would be you who found me and what that would mean to you. Maybe you would care, maybe it would be better if I wasn't here, in the way all the time."</p>
<p>Sherlock turned to face him again. "What do you mean if I would care?" </p>
<p>John shrugged. "I know that you wanted me to move back here after Mary and I broke it off, but for what reason? You seem to have less to do with me since I moved back in. I thought, well... I don't know what I thought really, but nothing happened. We were just us but different now. You have been more closed off than before and I don't know how to live with that. I know it's not fair to you. It's not your fault that I feel like this..." John scrubbed a hand across the back of his neck, looking down. "Here." He handed Sherlock a cup, moving towards the lounge and his chair. </p>
<p>Sherlock looked down at the cup in his hand before following John and taking his own chair across from him. "John, I-" </p>
<p>John held up a hand. "Sherlock, it's okay. I shouldn’t have laid that all out. It's not yours to bear, it's mine." </p>
<p>Sherlock sipped from his cup, watching John over the top of it. "What if I was to say I was hoping for something different between us as well when you moved back in and the fact that nothing has changed has me reaching for the needle..." </p>
<p>"Sherlock..." John set his cup down, rubbing his hand over his face. "Are you saying what I hope you are?" John looked up at him, tightly. </p>
<p>"It depends on what you are hoping I am saying," Sherlock stammered. He could feel his heart ripping through his chest. The erratic beating had him checking his own pulse at his wrist, teacup long forgotten beside him. <em> What if John meant something else? What if he told John he loved him and John didn’t want that or left him? What would he do? </em></p>
<p>"Sherlock? Sherlock? Calm down, please. Breathe for me." John had appeared at his side, holding Sherlock's wrist carefully, counting his heartbeats. "Sherlock, please breathe with me." John pulled Sherlock's hand to his own chest, letting him feel the rise and fall of his breathing. </p>
<p>Sherlock tried to match John's breathing with his own. The feel of John's chest under his hand was helping, but he tried focusing on John's voice instead of what he could feel. </p>
<p>"Sherlock?" John asked softly from where he knelt in front of him. "Just follow me. That's it. Breathe deep for me, love." </p>
<p>Sherlock's heart skipped at John's use of the endearment so casually. He couldn't have meant it. Just a slip of the tongue. </p>
<p>"Sherlock, no stop. You were doing so well. With me, breathe with me, love." </p>
<p>"John..." Sherlock's voice was soft and shaky. </p>
<p>"Yes?" John looked up at him gently from where he had been watching his watch, counting. </p>
<p>"You- You called me love?" </p>
<p>John looked down then back up at him. "Yes, I did. Is that okay?" </p>
<p>"I- yea- yes it is." Sherlock's heart was soaring now. </p>
<p>"I should have done this a long time ago," John whispered.</p>
<p>"Done what?" Sherlock could barely speak. </p>
<p>"This." John leaned forward pressing his lips to Sherlock's. </p>
<p><em> Oh, oh this is what it feels like to kiss John. Sherlock was on cloud nine. His brain had shut off completely. He couldn't think at all, just feel. Feel John's lips on his, soft and gentle. </em>He reached out, pulling John closer and finally up into his lap as they continued to kiss. </p>
<p>John let out a groan as he settled on Sherlock's lap, his hands buried in Sherlock's curls. "Yes, please," he whispered in between kisses. </p>
<p>"John," Sherlock pulled back for a moment. "Is this what you wanted?" </p>
<p>"Yes. Oh god yes." John kissed him again, harder this time. Soon they were both gasping for air. They broke apart giggling. </p>
<p>"You don't know how long I have wanted to do that." John smiled, his hand running along Sherlock's jaw. </p>
<p>Sherlock smiled at the man in his lap. "I could hazard a guess." </p>
<p>"What? I thought the Great Sherlock Holmes never guesses." John chuckled as he kissed Sherlock again. </p>
<p>Sherlock leaned into the kiss as he matched John's chuckle. "I never do." </p>
<p>John pulled back again to look into his eyes. Sherlock marveled at the look of love that shone through John's eyes. <em> How had he never seen that look before?  </em></p>
<p>"Sherlock, I need you to promise me something," John started softly. </p>
<p>"Anything," Sherlock replied. </p>
<p>"I need you to promise that if you are feeling the draw to drugs that you will tell me and never hide it from me. Please, promise me this." </p>
<p>"John, with you I won't need it," Sherlock started.</p>
<p>John lifted a hand to hush him. "You don't know that. The pull can be hard and come upon you when you least expect, I just ask that you tell me so I can help you. Okay?" </p>
<p>"Of course, John. I can promise that I will reach for you if the call becomes too great. Can I also ask the same of you?" Sherlock added. </p>
<p>"I have never touched drugs, so you don't have to worry, love." </p>
<p>"Not drugs, John." Sherlock wasn't sure how to say what he needed to. "I mean- if you feel the need to- if the darkness gets bad, please let me help you." </p>
<p>"Oh..." John reached out to cup Sherlock's face. "You have my word, love, that I will tell you when the dark gets bad again."  </p>
<p>Sherlock let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, thank you. So... So we are doing this then?" he asked, waving a hand at both of them.</p>
<p>"Yes, I believe we are. Is that okay?" John questioned. </p>
<p>"Obviously." Sherlock smiled at him. "Dinner?" </p>
<p>"Starving." John laughed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The End.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story. You can find me on twitter @Octoberisblue or tumblr @Bluebuell33. I would love to hear your comments and thoughts. Be sure to check out my other fics as well. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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